Fashion as Protection vs Fashion as Expression
One of the things nobody tells you about grief is how much it changes your relationship with clothing.
People talk a lot about losing someone you love, but nobody really talks about the strange loss of identity that comes with it too. And for me, that included fashion.
After my husband passed away almost a decade ago, there were pieces in my wardrobe that I genuinely loved, but suddenly I couldn’t wear them anymore because they carried memories attached to him. A dress I’d worn somewhere special together. A coat from a particular trip. Even certain colours felt emotional. I didn’t want to revisit those versions of myself because it hurt too much.
At the same time, I couldn’t really figure out who I was anymore either. I tried lots of different things stylistically during that period and honestly, most of them were slightly hideous and completely wrong for me. Looking back now, I can see I was searching for an identity while also trying to protect myself emotionally.
Fashion became a form of protection.
I wore oversized knits because they felt safe. Soft fabrics. Looser silhouettes. Doll dresses that created distance between me, my feelings and my body. Looking back, I think I was dressing for comfort in every possible sense of the word.
And a lot of people do this after major life changes, whether that’s grief, burnout, illness, heartbreak, breast cancer, divorce, ageing, or simply reaching a point where they no longer recognise themselves properly.
After years of working as a stylist, I’ve realised you can often tell when someone is dressing from confidence and self-awareness, and when they’re dressing from fear, insecurity, protection, or performance. Most of us move between the two constantly.
Sometimes people disappear into clothing because they don’t want to be seen fully. Other times people over-dress because they desperately want to feel visible again. Both are forms of protection in their own way.
Working with celebrities and private clients for years also teaches you very quickly that confidence and visibility are not the same thing. Sometimes the loudest look in the room belongs to the person feeling the least secure. Then someone else walks in wearing something incredibly simple, but they feel completely themselves, and somehow they become magnetic.
That energy is always noticeable. And I think that’s the difference between fashion as protection and fashion as expression. Expression feels aligned. Protection feels/is defensive and is form of selfcare.
It took me time for fashion to become joyful again. Time for clothing to stop feeling emotional and start feeling expressive. Slowly I stopped dressing to hide my feelings and started dressing in a way that felt more connected, more like myself again, even if that version of me had changed. You need to give yourself time to do this but don’t get stuck - so many of us get stuck in this in between place.
And perhaps that’s the important part is sometimes fashion isn’t about “finding yourself” again. Sometimes it’s about meeting the new version of yourself with honesty and curiosity instead of trying to return to who you were before.
The most stylish people I’ve met over the years usually aren’t obsessing over trends or what’s new. They just understand themselves. There’s consistency to them, they know who they are and have a sense of integrity. You remember them because they feel believable.
And that’s why fashion will never feel frivolous to me or something to take forgranted. Because when clothing affects how someone experiences themselves emotionally and psychologically in the world, it becomes about far more than appearance.